I know its just the depression talking, but people have no clue to how many times I wished I was “normal”. That when I went shopping, I would browse the make-up isle, over buying product like I do in other areas of my life (like handbags, organizers, etc). I wish finding the best wrinkle creams interested me, and that I would take a little more pride in my appearnce. There are women out there who are overweight like myself, who look absolutely wonderful. But it all comes from the makeup and clothes. And I have never had any guidance or instruction in that area, so its just something I’ve never done. I know its never too late, but once again, something I don’t seem to have the interest or energy to do these days. Which of course, with that attitude, I never will be “normal”. But, with the health issues I am dealing with right now, worrying about makeup and wrinkle creams are at the bottom of my life of what I need to do.

Last night was Seniors Honor Night. Several of the kids weren’t there because of a scheduled school trip, and wouldn’t be getting home until late. Others weren’t there because … well… I suppose they felt like there was nothing “honorable” about what they had done and where they were headed. I hope they aren’t headed for a life of drug rehab, and thats not a fair assumption to make. I can see just as easily the kids that had pages and pages of accomplishments and scholarships, could get into a life of drugs as well just because of all the pressures and expectations put on them.

I wasn’t real happy with Ethan. We would like to see him attend college — my dream for him would have been at Manhattan Christian College, where he could combine his love for God with a career choice. His college of choice was either Allen County Community College or Coffeyville Community College and had been offered scholarship at both. But. He doesn’t want to go to school for awhile. Maybe we should have pushed him harder, but if he didn’t have the desire to go, then would he have the desire to do what it took to stay in college? Probably not. The desire — the passion has to be there. And for whatever reason, he didn’t have it. So, the pages of achievements and scholarships went upspoken, because he didnt’ want it. It is his life to live now, and the choices to be made need to be his, right or wrong.

Ethan needed to be at the school by 6:00 yesterday morning, and asked us if we could make sure that he got up at 5:00. David kinda grumbled, but I reminded him that he gets up around 5:00 most every morning, so yesterday shouldn’t be any different. He had to be up by 6:00 anyway — there is no sleeping in on Saturdays for him. He dispatches for 15 truck drivers, and they all come out to the office on Saturday morning to get paid, several of them by 7:00 in the morning. On week days, he gets up by 5:00 so he can either walk around town, or drive up to the Rec Center and get an hours worth of exercise in for the day. He knows he needs to loose weight, and he has considered diet pills, but he seems to do good when he gets in this routine of walking and working out on the machines and weight lifting. Even if he doesn’t lose any weight, he says he feels a whole lot better, plus, his blood pressure numbers are down, as well as his blood sugar numbers. So, with those side benefits, he needs to keep up the good work.

When Ethan was doing his homework the other night, he came across some atrophex reviews. He asked me about them, and my best advice for him was that if was interested in using this particular product, I would prefer he went and saw our doctor and talk to him about them, and get some guidance from him. I know diet supplements can be good for you, but I would feel more comfortable that he be monitored by someone who knows more about them, and what else he should be doing along with the supplement. In other words, I don’t know anything about atrophex, and I don’t want Ethan taking something I don’t know anything about.

I’m scared. I’m excited. My life is turning a corner, and I don’t want to fail. I want to look back in 6 months and be able to say that what just happened was the best thing that could have ever happened. I am “officially” a part time worker. I have been working 2 part time jobs, 4 hours a day at each, which makes me a full time worker in the working world. I was just “fired” from my afternoon job. But I use the term “fired” loosely. Its truly an unusual situation. Our boss is looking for ways to cut costs. He really wants his (new) wife more involved in the business (plus he doesn’t have to pay her, thus saving money). However…his dilema was (his words, not mine), “how do I fire someone who I have never had a problem with, does a good job, and I consider her a friend”? David and I have talked about this extensively. So, when the opportunity presented itself yesterday, it was just me and boss … I brought up the subject. He’s not wired to “fire”. He wont’ fire guys that drive for us that deserve to be fired. So, I know he was really struggling with this.

So I made it easy for him. I brought up the subject and we talked. I told him I have always been a team player, and I always will be. And it sounds like in this case, I need to bow out gracefully. David pays most of our bills with his check. My financial obligations are the house payment ($320, and we have like 8 more payments left), and my domain and hosting fees. I had told David that when we bought my SUV, that if he made the first 5 payments, I would make the rest. So, the worst case scenerio here is he would keep making the payments. It won’t be added payments, it will be status quo. But, I have something to prove here. I would like to prove to him I can do both (the house and the SUV), and still only work the one part time job, as well as what I do on the computer.

Another thing I have to prove to myself with not working full time is dealing with some health issues. I can take my Furesomide like I’m supposed to instead of hit and miss because of work circumstances. Keeping the water rentenion at a minimum is the name of the game, and working full time — esp. with all the steps at the afternoon job, hasn’t been ideal circumstances. Being able to come home at noon, take the Furosemide, and let them work, consisently, will be a good thing. I’m not sure I am in favor of taking an appetite suppressant - but if my doctor could recommend one or prescribe one that doesn’t mess with my heart, I would be all in favor of that. I am not going to allow this new turn of events add to the already basketfull problems I have. This could turn things around if I would just let it. Focus on making a difference and make it happen.

Wish me luck. I truly believe this was a good thing. Oh, and after he ahh… **cough*fired*cough** me, we all went to the Mexican food place and had supper together. Who has supper with their boss after said boss just fired them? I just hope it works on their end. I was doing a good job, and they know it. I hope his wife makes it work as well. She managed a McDonalds for 25 years, so I know she can do it. But transition is never easy, and I’m just hoping this transition goes well. We’ll see.

Its been a weekend of rain, rain, rain. A few tornado watches, and even a tornado warning or two a couple counties over. But, it is spring, and this kind of weather is to be expected. I was surprised to learn today, listening to our minister’s message, that hurricanes are a necessary thing in the big picture where nature is concerned. I’m not sure that people who live in the Outer Banks or down in Florida would agree with that. But researchers says that hurricanes are needed because it helps balance nature out. Hurricanes are responsible for most of the rain in North and South American and helps equalize the temperatures on the equator. I did not know that.

We live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The only thing I have a problem with is there is a girl that lives next door that is about Ethan’s age — she’s in High School. And when her boyfriend comes cruises up, you can hear him a block away. And more often than not, he’s not driving the speed limit. Fortunately, we don’t have any little kids who live around here, so kids playing in the street isn’t something we have to worry about. But, we do have people who walk, and he needs to watch out for them. Plus, the way our driveway is set up, I have to back out on the street. So, I do that very very carefully. And there are still times, I thought the coast was clear, and I’d be almost out of the driveway, and suddenly see someone almost on top of me. Where did they come from? I reallyl do look, both ways, several times. Other than that, though, its a great neighborhood to live in.

I love my husband very much, but I am reminded that when I am sik, that he shouldn’t give up his day job to be pursue a health care career. I am pretty much on my own when I get sick. He figures whatever he does, he’ll do wrong, so don’t do anything at all. In all honestly, for the most part, when I don’t feel good, I probably don’t want him around much. Go to the store for em to get what I need, but don’t ask me what is for supper, and, if you would, pick up supper on your way home. But I have to remind me of that. More times than not, when I have been home sick all day, he’ll call and want to know what is for supper. Everyone has their own strengths and talents, and David has his. Being a full time caregiver is not one of them. But, I knew this going into this marriage, and we have been married for 25 years, so I would say it is something I have accepted about him for the long term.

I have to admit, as we get older, I appreciate that I have changed some things in my life that make it less complicated and definately a lot less stress free. I continue to work full time, and money is spent here and there, but not overly so like I used to. And David has a stash of money that he has, and that allows us to more or less, within reason, do what we want to do, on a small scale, and we’re happy.

Life wasn’t like this 10 years ago. So, it makes me wonder that maybe in the next 10 years, we can continue on the path we’re one, and will be able to do what we want, but maybe on a bigger scale. We camp every year, and I enjoy doing it for the most part. But what would be the next step up from that would be experiencing beach vacation rentals. To go away for weeks at a time, spending time in our own little beach vacation rental. Doing what we want, enjoying the warm weather, luxury furnishings around us, and plain and simple, peace and quiet. No responsibilities. No hassles. No stress.

Man. What would life be like living like that? I never thought I would reach the point in my life that I am now. So, I’m not writing off the idea that we couldn’t do something like that a few years down the road. One never knows.

We have joked about Ethan moving out as soon as graduation happened, but in all seriousness, its not going to happen like that. He will continue to live here for awhile. He will go from working part time to working full time, whether it be where he is at now, or someplace else, but that one thing does have to change. He has to work full time time this summer. Putting back as much money as he can, and sometime — probably mid summer or early fall, he will find a place to live.

With that in mind, we are already started thinking of the terms “when Ethan moves”. Now granted, I know that he would like to have a TV wall mount and other high tech kinds of things. And if we already have them, and they are things he is already using (and we aren’t), then they can go with them. But, there are some things that aren’t going to happen at his new place until he gets on his feet financially.